What matters most?
by jargoc
Summary: After Rigby finally confesses to Mordecai, Jeremy is left all alone. He's had enough of holding back his feelings and with this liquid courage, he's determined to tell Chad how he feels, and make him listen.


**Disclaimer:** I don't own RS or any of the characters. Jeremy and Chad's personalities stem off of my friend Jazz's head canons of them. Me and Jazz were throwing ideas back and forth and basically outlined this fic based off of a lot of the comics she has made about Jeremy and Chad's relationship. I decided I'd flesh it out because gghhh I loved the idea.

**Warnings:** Yaoi and smut duh so… yeah. Also this is very lightly edited so, sorry if you see any big mistakes and junk. Bleeehh ok hope you enjoy my yaoi shame.

* * *

It had been a couple of weeks since Jeremy had seen Rigby. Of course it had. Now that the little brat had the boyfriend he actually wanted, why would he hang out with Jeremy anymore? He was stupid to think that weeks of pity fucking actually meant anything.

God he needed another drink.

He knocked his head back and finished off his beer before signaling over to the bartender for another. Jeremy should have never helped Rigby. He should have taken advantage of Mordecai's stupidity and kept Rigby all to himself. But no, Jeremy had to be the good guy and help Rigby get his man. _Ick._ There seriously wasn't enough alcohol in the world to make him stop thinking about how Rigby had found his happy ending while Jeremy was still at square one.

Where he always was and might be for the rest of eternity.

In Rigby's case, Mordecai was always into him—just not very aware of it. Even though Rigby thought he had no chance, Jeremy always knew deep down that the two would find their way. They were best friends and they were both in love even if Mordecai took a bit of time to figure that out. It wasn't that way for Jeremy. Chad was not only uninterested in Jeremy, he was put off by the whole idea of romance all together. All it took was a confession from Rigby and Mordecai was his, well kind of. Mordecai was completely oblivious—as usual—to Rigby's feelings so Rigbones definitely caught him by surprise with his confession. Chad wouldn't even let Jeremy confess to him. Chad knew that Jeremy liked him—loved even—and Chad wanted to hear nothing of it.

That was the worst part.

Holding it all back was tearing Jeremy apart. All he wanted to do was tell Chad how he felt. He didn't need Chad to love him back; he didn't need anything like that. All he needed was to tell Chad how he felt, and have Chad listen to him.

A couple of beers later and Jeremy decided that was exactly what he was going to do.

* * *

Much to Jeremy's displeasure, Chad wasn't even home by the time he had gotten in. "Aw come on," the male slurred, slamming the door behind him. He plopped onto the couch before he rolled onto his back. He forced his eyes shut and pinched the bridge of his nose, trying to get his thoughts together. God damn where was Chad? He was barely out of his room let alone the house and Jeremy needed to get this off of his chest before he sobered up. There was just no way he could confess without liquid courage running through his veins.

He stretched out his long limbs and grabbed at the couch with slow clumsy fingers. This couch had seen so many times between Jeremy and Chad. Their first kiss—which wasn't as romantic as Jer would have liked it—the first time they fucked, countless movie nights, they all happened right there in the living room. A languid smile stretched across his face and he replayed all the memories until they turned into dreams. His dreams were always so pleasant. In his dreams Chad had allowed himself to loved Jeremy back, instead of ignoring Jer's feelings Chad faced them head on and let himself be happy. In Jeremy's dreams, he could make Chad happy.

Oh how different dreams could be from reality.

* * *

It wasn't long after Jeremy passed out that Chad was back at the house. He had run out to get food—he was starving—and was actually very surprised to see Jeremy passed out on the couch. Jeremy wasn't the type of person to pass out just anywhere; he was always the one telling Chad that he'd get a cold if he passed out on the couch. _Hmph, hypocrite. _

Chad walked up to the sleeping albino and was hit with the strong scent of alcohol. He sniffed again, this time closer to Jeremy and wrinkled his nose. Damn he reeked. Well, he should probably wake him up, but before he did that he took this rare opportunity to stare at his best friend. With a small sigh he ghosted his hand over Jeremy's flushed face, and rested his hand on Jeremy's cheek.

_God, the idiot even fell asleep with his glasses on, what a loser,_ Chad thought, smiling a bit and reaching for Jer's glasses. The albino hummed sleepily and Chad drew his hand back, shocked by the stirring of his sleeping friend. Well, that was fun while it lasted.

He reached out and pushed Jeremy's shoulder, "Wake up, Jer."

Jeremy whined softly and his eyes squinted open, "Chad?" he whispered, clumsily reaching out and grabbing the smaller male's hand.

"Mhmm, you're drunk and passed out on the couch, so go to your room or something. I want to eat in pea—mmph!" Chad was cut short by Jeremy's lips. The taller male pressed his lips hard against Chad's and pulled Chad easily onto his hips. Chad kissed him back—of course—but that didn't mean he wasn't shocked. There was something… off about the way that Jeremy was kissing him. The kiss seemed desperate and sloppy—unlike Jeremy who was always controlled and neat. Chad tried to write it off as Jeremy just being drunk, but something inside of him knew that wasn't the case.

Jeremy got straight to the point and quickly started to tug off Chad's clothes, which Chad didn't mind. His rumbling stomach could wait. Sex with Jeremy was always great, especially when he was drunk. Drunk Jeremy could fuck for hours. Thank god for whisky dick.

Chad helped Jeremy by removing his own shirt—the poor albino was too drunk to take a cotton v-neck off of a body now. Jeremy's lips never stopped working on Chad, which he was grateful for; they kissed and sucked hard on Chad's neck as he tried to rid himself of his clothing.

Chad moaned and threw his head back as Jeremy started to suck on his nipple. The taller male pinned Chad down onto the couch and sucked while his hand wandered down to grab at Chad's cock. Chad moaned again and rolled his hips into Jeremy's hand, "F-Fuck, Jer."

Jeremy only looked back at Chad with these serious red eyes and continued to pump at Chad. Chad reached over to Jeremy and pulled down Jeremy's pants. He bit down on his lip and looked up at Jeremy with a trained smirk.

"Let's do this," he said, pushing his own finger in and out of his entrance. He pushed in another finger as Jeremy let him go and stroked at his own cock. Jeremy watched with hungry crimson eyes as Chad fingered himself. Chad loved to show himself off, especially when Jeremy looked at him like that. He scissored his fingers and readied himself properly before Jer yanked his hand away. He grabbed at Chad's legs and spat down onto his hole before pushing himself into Chad.

Jeremy grunted and Chad all out screamed, "Fuck! Jeremy!"

Jeremy knew this was his only chance to say it. He was drunk and fucking his best friend, but he knew this was the only way that he'd be able to say it. So, he did.

"Chad," he breathed out, rocking his hips in and out of the smaller male.

The brunette moaned in response, completely lost in his own world.

"Chad," Jeremy said again, bending down to suck at Chad's neck.

"Mmm?" Chad answered this time, his eyes half lidded and clouded over.

"I love you," he said, his face buried into Chad's neck. He couldn't see Chad's reaction—he didn't want to—but he could feel the male stiffen under him. "I love you Chad, I love you so fucking much an—"

Chad pushed Jeremy away, face flushed and eyes wide. "Jeremy, shut up," he said, his voice shaking and his hands desperately trying to cover up Jeremy's mouth.

Jeremy shook off Chad's hand and glared, "No, I'm not going to. Chad, you need to hear this." He pinned down Chad's arms and stared right into the brunette's eyes when he repeated, "I love you."

Chad was starting to panic; he squirmed underneath Jeremy's arms, and tried to think of some reason to not take Jeremy seriously. He forced out a laugh and looked away from Jeremy, "You're drunk, Jer, you don't love anyone."

Jeremy grit his teeth and released one of Chad's wrists to force the brunette to look up at him. "I'm dead serious, Chad. I love you, and I have always loved you. The only reason I was fucking Rigby was because both of us couldn't have the people we wanted. I want you, he wanted Mordecai and—I love you, Chad."

Chad didn't want to hear this. He tried to throw his hands over his ears, but only managed to cover one of his ears with his free hand. "Shut up, Jer! Shut up, shut up, shut up!" he screamed trying to squirm free again. "This is disgusting! I don't want to hear this, stop!" Chad was frantic now.

"I don't care!" Jeremy screamed back, pulling Chad's hands back over his head and locking them there. Jeremy breathed deeply, and focused on his best friend beneath him. His eyes stung with tears but he decided to ignore them, and gathered his thoughts. "I don't care if you don't want to hear it, Chad! I love you! I know it's disgusting, and I know you're a selfish asshole and a freaking child sometimes but I still love you!" He was crying now, but—thanks to the alcohol—he didn't care. He was going to tell Chad he loved him, and he was going to make Chad listen to him, because not even rejection could be as painful as keeping these feelings inside. "I fucking love you, you piece of shit."

Chad looked up at him, shocked and shedding some of his own tears. _Fuck._

The brunette didn't know what to do. He was hurting Jeremy, he knew that, but now with Jeremy above him confessing and crying, he had_ no idea_ what he was supposed to do. He stared blankly up at Jer, who was staring right back at him and started to tear up. He needed to get up and leave, he needed to get out.

This time when Chad pushed his away, Jeremy let him go. He watched with drained and lifeless eyes as Chad frantically gathered up his clothes and ran off to his room. With a loud whimper, Jeremy tore off his glasses and threw them against the wall.

"Fuck!" he shouted, before he pushed his face into the couch.

* * *

Chad was hyperventilating before he even slammed the door shut behind him. He threw his clothes to the floor violently and slumped against the closed door, grabbing at his face. Chad took deep breaths and sobbed into his hands. He always knew that Jeremy liked him, but hearing it like that, was something else completely.

How could someone as great as Jeremy like someone as shitty as himself? He didn't understand how it was possible. Chad was a piece of shit, he was gross and manipulative and just everything bad, while Jeremy was put together, squeaky fucking clean and perfect. How and why did someone as great as Jeremy love him? And why?

Chad didn't know.

He pushed his head between his knees and continued to breathe deeply. His world was spinning and his heart wouldn't stop slamming into his ribcage. What was he going to do now? He couldn't go out and see Jeremy again; he couldn't ever look Jeremy in the eyes again. How could he? How could he just act like nothing happened? Jeremy said it loud and clear, he was serious and Chad was forced to listen. There was no excuse that Chad could make. What the _fuck_ was he going to do now?

He crawled over to his bed and flopped down onto it. Chad pulled his blankets up over his head and pressed his face into his pillow. Of course he loved Jeremy back, but he shouldn't, he shouldn't be allowed to love someone as great a Jeremy. It wasn't fair to Jeremy, and even though he was a selfish brat, he couldn't subject Jeremy to someone as horrible as himself.

"…_I know it's disgusting, and I know you're a selfish asshole and a freaking child sometimes but I still love you!"_

Jeremy's words repeated themselves over and over in Chad's head.

If there was anyone in the world who knew how much of a shit Chad was, it was Jeremy, and even though he was fully aware of Chad's downfalls, Jeremy still loved him. That had to mean something… even if the voice inside of Chad's head said it didn't.

Chad grunted and punched his pillow in frustration. He didn't deserve Jeremy's love, but he wanted it. He _needed_ Jeremy around all the time, even though he never wanted to acknowledge and address Jeremy's feelings. Jeremy was the only person in his world that actually mattered, and because of that very reason, he didn't want Jeremy to love him.

He wanted so much more for Jeremy. Jeremy deserved someone better than Chad, but Chad didn't want him to have anyone else. He was selfish and disgusting and he should just disappear and make Jeremy's life easier.

That's when he remembered what Mordecai had told him a while back.

"_I might think I'm disgusting and unworthy but he doesn't, and in the end, isn't that what matters?"_

Is that really what mattered most? Is that what _should_ matter most?

Chad never got to think of an answer because there was a knock at his door.

"Chad," Jeremy's voice made Chad's heart drop into his gut.

He didn't answer.

"Chad," Jer said, his voice louder now, "I'm coming in."

_Shit, I forgot to lock the door,_ Chad thought as he heard the door to his room creak open.

The brunette didn't look up from his pillow as Jeremy's footsteps came closer and closer. The bed squeaked as Jeremy sat down next to Chad, but he still refused to look up at the white-haired intruder.

They sat in silence for what seemed like an eternity before Chad finally looked up. Jeremy was looking right back down at him. "What?" Chad asked sitting up and crossing his arms over his chest. He wiped angrily at his eyes and tried to glare at Jeremy.

Jeremy sighed, "I want a response, do you love me too?"

"You can't be serious," Chad blinked in disbelief.

Jeremy only stared at Chad; a dead panned stare that Chad knew meant that he was very serious.

"I can't," Chad said his voice faltering, "I can't love you, Jer."

"That's not what I asked you, Chad," Jeremy said, leaning closer to Chad, "Do you love me too?"

It was Chad's turn to grit his teeth and glare, "It doesn't matter, because I can't love you, Jer."

"Why not?" Jeremy asked, his voice calm.

"Because!" Chad screamed, pulling his knees up to his chest and hugging them, "Because I don't deserve to."

When Jeremy didn't automatically respond, Chad looked back up at him. The albino was staring down at Chad like he wanted an explanation, as if Chad's excuse wasn't enough. Chad huffed, getting more annoyed with each passing second. "What do you want from me, Jer?" Chad demanded, getting up on his knees and in Jeremy's face.

Jeremy didn't budge, and that pissed him off even more.

"I can't love you, Jeremy. I'm horrible and selfish and the absolute worst while you're… you're," he started, his voice high-pitched and angry, "You're god damn perfect! You're nice, and smart, and selfless and just… everything I'm not!" Chad screamed as tears started to roll down his cheeks. He deflated back and hugged his knees to his chest again, pulling the covers up to his chin and biting at his lower lip. In a smaller, weaker voice, Chad said, "I don't deserve you."

"Well, yeah, duh," Jeremy said with a small laugh.

Chad looked up at Jeremy and cocked an eyebrow at him. Did he seriously just laugh at a time like this?

"But, that's not for you to decide, idiot," Jeremy smiled, reaching out and wiping away one of Chad's tears with his thumb. "You're selfish, and basically a huge pain in my ass all the time but… I love you and that's never going to change."

Chad laughed weakly and leaned into Jeremy's hand. Damn him for always knowing what to say.

"So," Jeremy said with a smile. He leaned forward and tilted up Chad's chin, "be my pain in the ass boyfriend?"

For once in his life, Chad was easily able to shut up the voice in his head.

"Yeah, okay," Chad whispered, leaning forward and closing the distance between their lips.


End file.
